“Mom, you’re so white.”
….said my 16-year-old son the other day. Why is he saying that? Does he know he’s pushing one of my insecurity buttons? What did I do to deserve that? Okay, let me backup a bit. I am half Filipino and half German, by ethnicity. My mom was born in the Philippines and my dad is a third generation German-American. They met in Thailand, married in the UK, and had me in Hawai’i, where I lived for most of my childhood. Growing up in Hawai’i, you know, the “melting pot,” sounds like it would have been good for someone as mixed up as me. Well, I didn’t always feel that way. I felt (and this could be my childhood insecurities talking) that there were groups of races: Hawaiian, Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Portuguese (Hawaii’s common European), Filipino, and of course, Haole (a term for foreigner, but mostly referred to all other Caucasian). There were a few mixed-ethnicity children who I did gravitate towards, but I definitely didn’t feel in the majority, whatever that was. Besides my Filipino-Italian best friend, I struggled to find people to identify with. My Seattle-born German-American father spent a fair amount of time in Hawaii before statehood prior to moving back there with my mother. He was also well travelled, having lived in various parts of Asia and Libya with and without my mom. His family mostly remained in Seattle, where I have cousins who I envied because, I believe, they had strong rooted identities. Then there is my mother, who (I feel) doesn’t associate herself with her Filipino roots. When she married my dad, she did her best to Americanize herself. I would, no doubt, associate this with the climate of the times. She spoke perfect English; no Pidgin English for me! Pidgin is a dialect of English widely spoken throughout Hawai’i, and is very prevalent in the schools. (Side note: My junior high English teacher had a pronounced ‘accent.’) With her siblings, my mom would speak some form of Spanish-Tagalog-English. But when asked why I didn’t grow up speaking another language, the answer was that we couldn’t have a secret language from my dad, which, again, I’m sure, was just a move to fit in with the times. Scratching my head, I think about my cousins on that side who speak multiple languages. Keep in mind, this is all from the mind of a kid trying to figure out where she fits in. Fast forward a few years, my parents split, my mom remarries, my dad remarries and moves to Southern California, I follow my dad to Southern California, and my mom moves to Austria. When I move to California, I have another identity crisis. Again, from then an insecure teenager’s point of view, I felt like there were three categories: White, Hispanic, or Asian (mostly Vietnamese where I was living, near Little Saigon). Where did I fit in? I guess wherever I was accepted. I finished off my teenage years in Austria, where my mom had a solid group of friends who were expatriates from various countries. I made some friends there, but at that point I was just “American.” As a young adult, I moved back to Hawai’i for a few years, where I connected with many more mixed-ethnicity peers, before making my way back to California. I would guess that it was not until I was in my 30s when I felt confident and appreciated (and was proud of) my mixed-ethnicity. I don’t take for granted that I have lived in states that are pretty diverse. I think my story would be different if I lived elsewhere. But now, let’s go back to my son’s comment and why I was so, shall we say, offended by it. Is it because I grew up in places that have a diverse population, but not a lot of mixed-ethnicities at that time? Is it because I moved around a lot and never felt like I planted roots? Is it that “white” has a different connotation these days? I confessed to my son the emotional and thoughtful floodgates that his comment opened. His reply, “I only said that because you are on Facebook.” (Insert facepalm here). Let’s have a conversation about the connection of ethnicity, identity, and insecurity. What were some of the factors that affected your identity? Who did you (or do you) identify with? What do you think helped you overcome insecurities? If ethnicity wasn’t an issue for you, what was?
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AuthorAs a photographer and painter, I focus on capturing and creating beauty. Beauty is everywhere. It is confidence, health, intelligence, courage... beauty is aging gracefully. I'm still trying to figure it all out. Let's have a conversation and figure it out together. Archives
March 2021
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