Put your oxygen mask on before assisting those around you- A Lesson in Self Compassion

If you have spent any time with me, and you were stressed out about something involving the care of others, you probably would have heard me channel my flight attendant days tell you my go-to analogy of putting your oxygen mask on before you assist others. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of other people. As a mom and a teacher, most of my thoughts and actions revolve around the care of young people. Not only that, I’m a wife, a friend, and a daughter. At some point, being a good one of any one of these means taking care of someone else, which I find easier when I am in a good place, physically and emotionally. Easier said than done, and everyone could use a reminder every now and then. So here it is: step back, pause, breathe, and be gentle with yourself. You’re doing a good job.  

I always look forward to Well Women Wednesday, offered by my friends, Melissa and Melia at KÔR Physical Therapy and Wellness. The most recent topic was on Self Compassion. Amy Noelle, a physical therapist, certified mindfulness teacher, and mental performance coach presented. I’m paraphrasing her presentation and offering my own take on it. If you would like more details, I will leave her information in the footnotes. 

The first exercise of the evening was to think of a situation when something negative was going on with you. What are the things you are saying to yourself? What is your tone? …..Got it? Now, what if something negative was going on with a friend of yours? What would you say to him or her? What would your tone be? Most women at the event agreed that we were a lot kinder to our friend than we were to ourselves. Why is it so hard to treat yourself the way you would treat someone else? Maybe because we grew up learning the Golden Rule and it’s easier to “treat others the way we want to be treated,” but then we really don’t treat ourselves as compassionately as we would treat someone we really cared about. Hmm, that’s something to think about.  

One way that we can be compassionate with ourselves is to practice mindfulness when we encounter every day struggles. When you are mindful in these situations, you pay attention to what you are feeling and what is causing your feeling (or discomfort). Suffering = pain + resistance. Something easy to explain that causes suffering for me is cooking.  Basically, my pain is having to plan meals, looking up recipes, and going to the grocery store. I was not blessed with the whip-something-up gene. The kitchen is my least favorite room in the house, I’m not good at cooking, I’ve never enjoyed it, and it is my pain. The resistance is my attitude towards cooking. Therefore, I suffer. I suffer every night when I need to sustain the life of anyone in my household. Suffering = cooking + bad attitude. So let’s work on the resistance. Since part of my pain is in the planning and shopping of the meals, I started ordering meal kit services (pre-portioned food and recipes delivered to my home). Okay, less resistance. Then I started to turn on some music, or poured a glass of wine (or both), even less resistance. I made it an event. I mindfully lined up the ingredients, and carefully followed the recipe, I knew the end product was something that would be enjoyed and I came to the realization that cooking for others showed them love. Ordering the meal kits was an easy fix for me, but not all pains have a solution that comes delivered to my doorstep every week. Some are more complicated and would require more of a shift in thought and acceptance. 

The example given to us during the workshop was the pain of being in traffic. Your resistance is your thoughts and worries about being late and maybe feeling frustrated, anxious, or angry about it. So, by changing your thoughts and accepting that you don’t have much control about it at that moment, you are no longer suffering. 

I try to use this way of thought-shifting most often with my teenage children. Suffering = pain + resistance. My pain (how do I say this nicely) is having teenage children, worrying about the decisions they make when I’m not around, the attitude and moodiness that I am subjected to, and the idea that they are becoming more independent and not needing their “mommy” as much anymore. Even though ‘teenager’ and ‘resistance’ are already synonymous, my resistance is the feeling that I need to control the paths they take, the frustration (and sometimes disappointment) I feel when they don’t make the right decisions, or the sadness I feel when I am rejected. Once I tell myself that I can only control what I can control, which isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, I find acceptance in these situations and the suffering subsides. When I am not suffering, I experience more positive interactions with them. They are the ones who will ultimately live and learn from their decisions, and (guess what?) our relationships remain intact.

Probably like most moms of my generation, the most self-abuse comes from the pressure of trying to be a good mom (and a good everything you do). I am learning that beating myself up doesn’t make me a better mom. In those times when I do take my own advice, I will take a moment to savor the time when my son isn’t reluctant to go for a walk with me, or relish the time my daughter and I share a hearty, uncontrollable laugh, and I will tell myself that I’m doing okay. 

KÔR Physical Therapy and Wellness
San Juan Capistrano
Contact Info: 949-276-8020

Amy Noelle MPT, CWC
Certified Wellness Coach, Mindfulness Teacher, Physical Therapist
Contact Info: 949-480-7767

Recommended Meal Kits:
Sun Basket
Purple Carrot